queencake and titangirl

back

2011-09-13T12:31:00.003+02:00

okay, i am trying here. so much chaos and sickness, but i AM trying.

want to come back, use this space to remind myself what my life can/ could also be about.

plans ahead:

join the blogger bookclub: http://readwithmelaporterouge.blogspot.com/

start the breathing therapy class

make the book for my mum`s 70 th birthday

write my exams

bake more again

do the zen cooking class in october.

so i`m back.

List it tuesday/ inspired by Sally

2011-01-25T20:06:00.002+01:00

Sally has very kindly taken over as a host for List It Tuesday and I am very happy about that.

When I read her insomnia list, it inspred me to write one as well- i have been lying awake far too often during the last few weeks.

things i think about when i`m lying awake at 4 a.m.:

my exams

the pain and how to handle it

the jobcenter and the social court

money

our flat that we will have to leave

things i would prefer to think about:

our trip to scotland

what i have achieved so far this term

my lovely son

my handsome fella:)

baking

List it tuesday/ instead of....

2011-01-18T16:17:00.004+01:00

i know, i know, it`s not handwritten again.

but bear with me:)

today is an" instead of " list. that is, i want to do a kind of wee brainstorming exercise, opposing the things i would like to do and the things i have to do. am open to any inspiration from your part:

i would like to

go for a walk instead of sitting almost all day

think positive thoughts instead of turning around the negative ones in my head over and over

believe in myself instead of feeling inadequate most of the time

count my blessings instead of wallowing in self-pity

write again instead of thinking about writing

LIST IT TUESDAY

2011-01-04T15:55:00.003+01:00

I want 2011 to be full of

light
love
laughter
health
friendship
learning
understanding
chocolate
poetry
music that makes me dance
good films
heavenly cakes

Happy New Year to all of you!

Loads o´love

queencake:)

#reverb10

2010-12-21T18:53:00.004+01:00

December 21 – Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?) (Author: Jenny Blake)

Let Robert Creeley say this for me, he does it so much better:

I vow to my life to respect it.

I will not wreck it.

I vow to yours to be enough, enough, enough

List it Tuesday & #reverb10 mash- up

2010-12-21T17:37:00.002+01:00

5 Minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. (Author: Patti Digh)

my son combing my hair when i wasn`t feeling well. my boyfriend giggling with me about silly things. my friends. my 40 th birthday. my first flight after 11 years. my struggles and what became of them. the smell of snow. baking. reading great books. small steps and big steps. my son becoming even more who he is, a wonderful person. my son learning and reading and learning again. not too much hospital this year, which is great. love. the smell of cookies and cake in my kitchen- home. my partner and everything we did together this year. my start at the university. meeting new people, opening up my mind to new things. the sky and its colours. wonderful music. dancing in my living room when my leg hurt. great films that made me laugh and cry. my life.

#reverb 10 belated/action and more

2010-12-16T18:37:00.004+01:00

December 13 – Action When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step? (Author: Scott Belsky)

my next step is out the door and into the kitchen to make dinner for my son who has been sick almost all week.

my next step is to grab a book and read, then watch the news, then sleep.

my next step tomorrow is my appointment at the pain clinic, the one i have waited for so long.

my next step is to pick up my son from school tomorrow and to make plans for the holidays with him.

and while i do this, i will be thinking about where i am going and how far i have come this year-

i am the queen of small steps. but the next one is always the biggest.

December 14 – Appreciate What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it? (Author: Victoria Klein)

I can`t possibly reduce it to one thing, although i`m probably ruining the exercise right now:))

I am grateful for my son, for him being in my life, sharing jokes and tears with me and being the wonderful kid he is.

I am grateful for my partner, who is lovely and gorgeous and brave and funny and wise and who is there for me when i need him and here to share our life together.

I am grateful for my parents who support my decision to go back to university with such verve and understanding and who have helped me become who i am.

I am grateful for my friends whom i love dearly and who love me back in a way that touches my very soul.

I am grateful for being alive, for being able to smell cookies and snow and for being able to watch the sky as it changes.

I try to express this gratitude by loving back and giving back and by being there if somebody needs me. ( and by baking:)) )

#reverb 10 belated/wisest decision and more and more:)

2010-12-15T17:36:00.006+01:00

Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how dit it play out?

This one, thankfully, is easy. The wisest decision i made this year was not to give up on myself and my future and to go back to university. This decision took a lot of fighting ( mainly for money) and a lot stamina and i`m just really glad i made it. How did it play out? I don`t really know that yet, but so far the output is great: i have met lovely, new people, I get out and think other thoughts, i activate my brain instead of drowning it in crap ( tv mainly) and i`m altogether more hopeful. and my son is proud of me which makes me proud of myself. that in itself is already worth it.

Body Integration & Party

These two i simply cannot answer. As awful as this may sound to you: no party for me in 2010 ( would already be thankful for a night out which doesn`t involve a parents`meeting:) ), because most of the time i just wasn`t physically up for it. And no body integration for me, as achieveable as that may be. These last few years I have often felt that my body has turned against me. It is not my temple, it is a war zone and the war is one i didn`t ask to join. I very rarely feel comfortable, I cannot remember what it is like to live without pain. I would very much like to learn how to handle this and am open to any suggestion- who knows what will happen...

List it Tuesday & #reverb10 mash- up:)

2010-12-14T17:56:00.002+01:00

prompt: what are 11 things your life doesn`t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

1) sickness ( do as much as i possibly can to sustain my body)

2) stress (do as much as i possibly can to sustain my mind)

3) fear ( do as much as i possibly can to fight it)

4) claustrophobia ( see above)

5) self- loathing (get up every morning and say to my face in the mirror: you are indeed a goddess, the most witty and beautiful in the whole world. this should make me laugh, so it`ll work)

6) cold feet ( wear warm socks& shoes)

7) fat ( eat less and more slowly)

8) stupidity ( read more, don`t watch so much tv)

9) hatred (hate less, love more)

10)artichokes (:-) )

11)clutter ( organize myself)

my life shall improve dramatically if i get rid of all these things- especially the cold feet and the artichokes. looking forward to it...

#reverb10/ beautifully different

2010-12-12T09:45:00.003+01:00

Prompt: Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.

I´m 40 years old.

I have a grim sense of humour, which i have needed during the last years.

I have lots of scars inside and out.

I am chronically ill, but i refuse to give up on myself, or the world- or, as a matter of fact- fun.

I can handle pain quite well.

I´m a good friend, i´m loyal.

I´m a good mum (most of the time)

I take care of my friends, I make them laugh.

I write poetry that makes people cry.

One of my best friends calls me McWeepy, because i cry so easily:)

I love to cry over books and movies

I am sure that i`m secretely a mermaid ( or a kungfu-babe )

I never give up- something inside me always tells me to get up and fight.

I love to start conversations with total strangers.

I`m a good baker.

all this and more probably doesn`t make me different, but maybe, just maybe it makes me beautiful.

#reverb10 MAKE/ Community

2010-12-08T15:03:00.003+01:00

Prompt: Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? ( Gretchen Rubin )

I made these. My partner gave me a voucher for a patisserie course and I made these.

One should know that I am not a very crafty person. I envy everyone who can draw, doodle or make other things, because i`m simply not very good at it, although i do love the idea.

But baking? Trying out new things, new methods? for these I/ we ( the course) used lots and lots of butter, pears, passion fruits, limes and lemons, flour, almond, eggs, food colouring, chocolate, gelatine, cream and quark and all sorts of lovely things. I want to make more things like these, to practice more.

December 7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)

I have discovered the University community where I study. And there I also found people that are part of a speaker community, they do readings of poetry and other things and I would love to get more involved in that.

List it Tuesday/ The tuesday before the grammar test/my thoughts

2010-12-07T15:15:00.004+01:00

1) why on earth did i want to go back to university again? somehow i cannot seem to remember:)

2) i thought i`d never have to write a test again

3) i feel kinda sick

4) i can think of a million things to do instead of preparing for this test, i.e. write lists...

5) it would be great to be rich and to do all this as charity work

6) i feel stupid

7) my kid seems to be smarter than me ( but then they always are, right:) ? )

8) this would be a good time to get drunk, but then i don`t drink, so that`s that over and done with...

9)to watch " the closer " will probably not help me understand german grammar. or will it?

10) there are so many excuses, but something in me wants to pass this test, no matter how

11)will i ever be a good teacher?

#reverb10 Letting go

2010-12-06T13:18:00.003+01:00

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

This is fairly difficult to write as I am still in the process of letting go.

I am part of a Patchwork family. There is my son, his dad, my partner. And then there`s her. She`s his new partner, has been for a few years now. She has two children, one girl from a previous relationship, one girl with my ex-partner. We´ve known each other for 6 years, i liked her instantly, we spent a vast amount of time together, not just with our children, we exchanged letters, phone calls, e-mails. and every two years she does something that really shocks me: she suddenly and to me for me no apparent reason decides that she`s better off without me, she cuts off any communication, she doesn`t answer my mails or writes excruciatingly detailed mails to me that all come down to " things i never told you ". And needless to say, these things are never pleasant, but nasty and unforgiving. She is the better mother, the better girlfriend, the better person. And every two years, she breaks my heart. A few months ago, it happened again. I wasn`t happy because she ambushed me in front of the children about a holiday her and the gang wanted to take. They had told me for months they didn`t have any money, he hadn`t paid full child support and now they were planning on flying somewhere for a week to chill out. I was tacken aback by this fact and told her I didn`t want to discuss it in front of the kids. She didn`t back off. Things got nasty. I cried. I cry easily, my friends call me McWeepy:) She knows this, but still didn`t back off. Things got even more nasty. When she left, I felt utterly devastated and shocked. I couldn`t believe it had happened again. All this after a summer together with the kids, swimming and baking and laughing. Once again, all gone. My partner said he was fed up and couldn`t understand why I put up with her. My friends called her Mcbitchy and said that she didn`t deserve me. I wasn´t so sure. She wrote nasty mails, I wrote back, pleading, asking what had gone wrong. No real answer. So in the end, I wrote a long mail telling her that I didn`t want this kind of pseudo- friendship anymore. I told her I missed her but that I wasn´t willing to put up with her treating me like this anytime she felt like it. The thought of letting my child go there every second weekend and her playing supermom, bribing him with all sorts of things including a rabbit, makes me sick to my stomach and makes the situation so much worse. Things were much easier when we got along. What now? I know I have to let go, because this construction is toxic. But I find it very, very difficult and I just want to understand why this happened. It`s not easy to let go of something you do not understand.

#reverb10 WONDER

2010-12-06T08:53:00.002+01:00

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

I looked up and watched the sky, took photos of it, its changing colours.

Watched my son sleep, watched my son read.

Remembered last year and was thankful not to be in that place anymore, thankful for my legs moving.

Thought of Aimee Mann: " and you loved the world you lived in/ and it loved you back"

#reverb10

2010-12-04T16:54:00.004+01:00

December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta)

I live, it`s as simple and as scary as that. I live and I take care of all the other things that have to be done: the reading for university, the shopping lists, the homework with my son, the thank-you-notes and the condolence letters are almost the only things i write these days. But I want this to change, I´m trying to come up with one smashing plan.....

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

There was a moment this week when I was utterly and totally exhausted and my son offered to brush my hair. He sat down on my bed with the brush in his hand and began to brush my hair, chatting to me about all kinds of things, school, friends, while he did it. there were candles on the windowsill and it was already dark outside and i think that was, if not THE, one of the moments I felt most alive this year.

#reverb10

2010-12-03T21:15:00.002+01:00

December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

HOPEFUL. 2010 was and still is hopeful for me. In spite of everything that happend last year, in spite of all the obstacles this year, i went back to university to study again after 10 long years. It`s stressful and tiring, but I´m hopeful.

I would like my word for 2011 to be RELIEVED.

List it Tuesday/ Things I would love to do on this cold tuesday

2010-11-30T10:10:00.004+01:00

1)have my peace and quiet:)

2)read a thriller

3) eat a chocolate cookie ( or 2 or 10....)

4)have warm feet

5)watch LIE TO ME

6)stop thinking about the grammar test next week

7)think furry, glittery and positive thoughts

8)be all zen- like and incredibly wise

9)bake the perfect tarte au citron

10)relax

List it Tuesday/ Things I like to do when i`m sick

2010-11-23T13:26:00.004+01:00

1) Feel sorry for myself:)

2) Drink lots of tea

3) huddle/ cuddle up in bed with warm cherry stone- pillows

4) read crappy magazines

5) watch stuff like Grey`s Anatomy to see people who are far worse off than I am:)

6) eat ice cream

7) eat soup

8) talk to friends on the phone

9) feel even more sorry for myself

10)sleep

List it Tuesday/ Things that bug me about being part of a Patchwork- Family

2010-11-16T08:25:00.003+01:00

Because of current events, i had to think a lot about this during the last few days and something that really cost me my sleep and my peace of mind. So my list today is something to help me vent- please bear with me.

1) I can never decide if I want to let my kid go every second weekend- I just have to

2) My son feels as if he has to choose, because his father has turned parenting into a competition. That`s not good.

3) I want the best of both worlds for my son, but very often this does simply not exist.

4) I have to put up with His needs, games and nastiness, just because he`s my son`s father.

5) I would just like to have a break from it all, but it never stops.

6) I have to get along with " the other woman ", no matter how she behaves, for my child`s sake.

list it tuesday

2010-10-19T23:16:00.003+02:00

aimee from artsyville started this and i´d like to join in this week with a very small list.

tuesday songs, please listen....

rihanna, russian roulette

augustana, boston

yann tiersen, comptine d´un autre été

back to school

2010-10-09T15:05:00.003+02:00

after huge fights with the jobcenter, the social court, etc. for the money ( a problem that still isn`t solved) i have decided to risk it and to go back to school, that is, in my case, back to university.

i`m studying to become an english teacher and it`s all very exciting and lots of hard, but fulfilling work. am still, after almost 20 years, scared of the linguistics part, but am bracing myself and am very curious as to what awaits me in these coming autumn and winter months. my son is chuffed that i now have to do homework, too:) please wish me luck. i`ll certainly need it:))

eye-love of this week: http://blogdelanine.blogspot.com/

once again

2010-08-14T18:01:00.004+02:00

tomorrow my son is off with his dad for a weeks holiday before school starts again and i will once again pack my bags to go to the hospital on monday. i really hope i won`t have to stay all week and i hope that this will be my one and only stay in a hospital this year, am not very happy about this. i have so much to do, because- and this is the good news - i got accepted at the university to become an english teacher! just have to get the money organized ( and lots of paperwork ) , then i can/ could start in october, which would be so great, scary and inspiring:)

hope you all have a good week next week, i am sure going to try.

40

2010-08-08T05:49:00.004+02:00

i am forty now.

i do not feel different.

i feel hopeful and tired and okay, but exhausted.

almost like every day.

who do i have to be?

who do i need to be?

who do i want to be?

anja. brave. happy. sad. melancholic, not depressed.

a poet, a baker, no candlestickmaker.

a good mum ( i hope ) a good friend, a good partner.

a puppy/ piglethugger, a west wing fan.

healthy and a little wise, calm and collected

disorganized and chaotic.

a foodie.

a reader and writer.

a fighter.

rainy friday

2010-08-06T15:48:00.003+02:00

so much has happened here, i haven`t managed to post at all.

we have had to cancel our flight to glasgow as i was/ am sick and there is an incredible chaos here in berlin concerning easyjet ( and not just here as we gather from all the links friends sent us ).

so no scotland this year.

am sad , but hopeful that i will manage to get there soon after having taken the first hurdle.

my father had an operation yesterday, which went well, so i want to try and visit him as soon as possible.

first i have to go to the hospital myself next thursday, they can`t find antibiotics to treat the infection so i will have to stay in, hopefully not for long.

meanwhile: 39 for two more days, the big 40 is approaching:))

back in town and back on track

2010-07-18T19:40:00.001+02:00

am back.

am exhausted, my back is killing me, am sobbing every few minutes, but i`m back.

and i am- suprisingly enough to me - still alive ( more or less:)) )

more later.

love to you all.

anja xx

testflight

2010-07-14T15:11:00.003+02:00

my testflight to stuttgart is tomorrow.

feel really sick and quite scared, hope it will get better.

it`s very hot here which makes me feel all wobbly anyway.

so keep your fingers crossed, while i`m up in the air:)

photo: surfersvillage.com

summer holidays

2010-07-07T07:42:00.002+02:00

the summer holidays have started at last and we are all relieved and happy.

tomorrow it`s my sons birthday, my parents arrive today, so lots of cooking and cleaning and packing presents- am actually quite looking forward to it.

next week i have to get on a plane for the first time in 11 years. the thought is sickening, but i want to go through with it.

my son packed my mp3 player with music and good wishes ( i.e. him saying: have a good flight, anja:) ) so i am more or less prepared.

a tree grows in potsdam

2010-07-01T05:49:00.002+02:00

still working my way through piles of books with relaxation techniques. have also made a flight book, more about it tomorrow.

it`s very hot here now and now there are only a few more days to go until the summer holidays start.

cake yesterday: nectarine-rasperry cake

films yesterday and today: invictus and les petites couleurs

weird wednesday

2010-06-23T18:15:00.002+02:00

have obviously gone crazy. booked another flight, this time to stuttgart to see my parents.

have decided that i need a testflight, all on my own, before the flight to glasgow, so that`s what i am going to do. am going off to stuttgart mid-july, all alone so that all the crying, pulling of hair, hyperventilating, etc. will not be witnessed by my son.

have bought rescue drop gum, although i do not trust it to help me one bit.

but hey, i might just surprise myself. maybe i will feel safe and sound with lufthansa, maybe i will sing a little song while on board or write a poem or invent something awesome.

you never know...

book for today: " conquer your fear of flying in 30 minutes " ( yeah, i know, haha:) )

song for today: dream on ( the glee version )

film for today: the rebound

tuesday dogs

2010-06-22T09:43:00.002+02:00

windy weekend

2010-06-19T10:32:00.002+02:00

very cool and windy here since yesterday.

am utterly, totally exhausted.

have been carrying things back and forth from our flat to the interim flat, which is simply disgusting. can`t sleep properly and am absolutely fed up.

hope very much that next week will be better.

have a good weekend!

flight

2010-06-14T19:00:00.000+02:00

booked the flight. feel sick and scared.

but i booked the flight.

manic monday

2010-06-14T06:47:00.002+02:00

very early. very cold compared to last week.my son ist still sleeping, exhausted from watching last nights football game. three more weeks of school, then six weeks of summer holidays. we are all looking forward to it.

have apparently found new and exciting ways to sabotage myself: no booking of flights yesterday, instead frantic search for my son`s passport which has disappeared into thin air. will have to apply for new one today and do not know if it will be there in time. haha! unbelieveable, but true.

of course we will still have to book very, very, very soon. already having scary flight dreams, as usual.

this week i will not have much time on my hands to do anything remotely fascinating.

we have to move tomorrow, grab some of our stuff and go to an interim appartment, while they fix ours. hopefully two weeks tops, but still a hassle.

then bringing the car to its annual check, changing the tyres, preparing my son for his last maths exam this school year, etc, etc. nothing but pure delight ( apart from the maths thing, which is great because he loves it so much ).

and maybe, maybe, book a flight.

at the airport

2010-06-12T19:39:00.002+02:00

have been sick for weeks, months and years- or so it seems, at least.

but while i haven`t been posting, because i simply wasn`t up for it, i haven`t laid my plans to rest, not at all.

have been reading books about the fear of flying, have had long talks with friends and therapists who specialise on phobies and today i went to the airport with my partner to have my first look at what i have to expect this summer if we really, really book this flight.

my physical reaction caught me by surprise: the air in the main hall was simply awful, felt as if i couldn`t breathe properly before i even got near a plane.

then saw a plane that was being fuelled, the gangway being fastened to the plane.

all that jazz. my palms started to sweat, i felt as if i was going to faint, totally sick and dizzy.

but then i looked at the other people who were walking around. most of them looked quite relaxed and happy, some of them tired, but i spotted noone who looked even slightly as panicky as i felt. somehow that calmed me down. i took a good look at crews and pilots and everyone who was doing their job there and suddenly it all felt a little bit more normal.

have to decide this weekend whether to book the flight berlin-glasgow. two hours of my life. two short, long hours of my life. my son would love to go. can i do this for him, if not for me?

would you all be so kind as to tell me about your feelings concerning flying? about your experiences ( hopefully great ones:) )?

i would be really thankful.

a long week, more braveness and talks with the pilot

2010-04-18T16:04:00.002+02:00

so much has happened during the last few days. i find it quite strange that the moment i`m tackling this fear of flying subject, a volcano somewhere in iceland spews out so many ashes, that i couldn`t fly now even if i wanted to. hm hm.

as for the braveness diary:

on wednesday i dared to go to another orthopedist in the hope of at last finding someone who will accompany me on the "spine- journey" . no such luck, i`m afraid to report, so i found myself being utterly devastated after talking for about 10 minutes for yet another doctor who doesn`t listen and doesn`t care. am not giving up though.

thursday was a big day for cinnamon rolls and braveness: the father of one of the boys in my son`s class, came by to have a long chat with me about flying. he`s been a pilot for over 30 years now and he talked me through the whole flying procedure, from check-in to landing, answering my panicky questions and gracefully ignoring me getting paler and paler as the flight began:)) this was a great opportunity for me and i cannot thank him enough for providing me with all this first- hand information. here`s to you, günter!

friday and saturday i didn`t feel very brave at all and all my braveness consisted of was ignoring as much as possible the awful state my body was in and getting up to do anything at all.

today is a better day and i`m on my way to another week of my little project, modest as it may be. once the volcano ashes have settled, i am planning to go to the airport where one of my partners friends works, to visit him and have him show me around, to get a feel for the place after 11 years. i will continue the braveness diary and give myself ( and you:) ) another prompt tomorrow.

beautiful tuesday/ braveness diary

2010-04-13T21:51:00.003+02:00

found this lovely and inspiring photo by lacy young via carmen torbus and instantly loved it.

this is exactly what i want to do: achieve a different way of looking at things and this stone and its message are so great and fun at that, too!

**************

braveness diary today:

although i`m dreading another fruitless and frustrating talk with her, i wrote a letter to the headmistress of my son`s school, explaining why a lot of us parents are very unhappy with the class teacher.

i hate confrontations, even more so when i`m not feeling up for them, but i decided to be brave to try and make the situation better for my son and for the other kids in class.

braveness today

2010-04-12T22:25:00.002+02:00

going on with this project.

putting myself and my fears out there in virtual space for everyone to see. not easy.

tackling all the application forms today ( loads of paperwork ) to let other people define just how disabled my back and adhesions have made me. trying to not let these disabilities define me as a person.

watching a scary movie with mr. harrison ford :-)

day 3: monday prompt: start a braveness diary

2010-04-12T17:11:00.002+02:00

The prompt for today is to start a braveness diary. For every day this week, starting today, you can write down what you did that day that you thought of as brave. It does not have to be something connected to your worst fears and nightmares, all the little things count. You can draw, you can take photos, you can doodle, you can write, just give yourself the feedback that you deserve.

As a giant cosmetic firm put it: " Because you`re worth it. " :))

day 2: mission (im)possible- expectations&obstacles

2010-04-11T18:30:00.003+02:00

claustrophobia is something that happens in your head and then slowly takes over your whole body. your hearts start racing, you start to hyperventilate, you feel as if you`re going to have a heart attack, suffocate and die on the spot.

as a friend of mine put it very bluntly a while ago when we were talking about planes: " the fear of flying is the fear of dying. " that made me so angry at the time even more so as i suddenly realised that he was right. as simple as it sounds, it is true.

"uh yeah ", you might say now, " this is ridiculous. almost everyone is scared of dying but not everyone has phobias." also true.

so where do i go from here? if i know, that my mind is playing tricks on me, that somehow my mind and my body have learnt to play tricks on me, how do i untrick myself, how do i "unlearn"?

one of the obstacles during the last few years in confronting my fears has been the condition my body was/ is in. i simply cannot and will not be able to force myself to do the whole confrontational therapy shennanigans again. so i have to find other ways, get creative, find new tricks.

every monday i will give myself a prompt and i`d be very happy if you like to join me.

i do not expect to be " healed " during these four months, but i am hoping for a different mindset, good influences and fun ideas.

if i can get on a plane this summer that of course would be the greatest challenge of all.

like i read yesterday " not without fear, but in spite of it. "

the claustrophobia project, lemon curd and all the help i can get

2010-04-10T14:39:00.003+02:00

i have been massively claustrophobic for quite some time now. it started with planes, then the tube, elevators and so on and so on.

2004 i tried a confrontational therapy.it was no fun, that much i can tell you.

lots of crying and pulling of hair, lots of desperation, lots of hyperventilating locked in elevators for 30 minutes or so. i never made it back onto a plane though.

no flying for 11 years. i told myself it didn`t matter. i could take a boat, hell, i could swim, i could take a car. no problem. but a big part of my family lives in great britain and my grandparents lived in glasgow.

the last time i went there with my son was when he was two years old. we took the car from berlin to amsterdam and embarked on the journey to hell all the way to newcastle.

the cabin we had booked was underneath the machine room of the ferry, so it was impossible for me to stay there. combine acute seasickness with claustrophobia and you`ve got yourself a real party full of song and dance. i was sick for hours and went to " sleep" on deck on two plastic chairs that i had pushed together and shoved in a corner where i could hear people singing along to karaoke. my favourite was a duet of " up where we belong ", sung quite beautifully. after a while the storm got worse though and my sleeping bag was soaked, so i decided to give it a try inside. i opened the heavy outside door and at that very moment there was a huge gush of wind and the door slammed shut. my right hand was still caught in the door and i thought i would faint if i looked as i was almost sure that the fingers had been cut off. after what seemed like ages but couldn`t have been more than a few seconds, i pulled the door open with my left hand, didn`t look at it and just dragged myself inside, knocked on the door of the disco until someone came and took care of me. it was the ship doctor who was also the ship dj, who had also sung the lovely version of " up where we belong " that i had admired earlier, which pleased him very much. he took one look and said: " that`s what broken fingers look like." i had managed to break two of my fingers in that door.

why am i telling you this? because it was one of two claustrophobia lowpoints during the last few years.

the second one is even worse. for 8 years i haven`t seen my family in Scotland and Glasgow is now only a two hour- flight away from berlin. my grandmother died two weeks ago and i couldn`t say goodbye, couldn`t go to the funeral. i have missed golden weddings, big birthdays, a wedding and two funerals. i cannot forgive myself. lowpoint.

i want my son to grow up knowing and i mean, REALLY KNOWING that Scotland is a part of him. the language, the people that belong to him, the smells, the highland cattle, the scones, the sheep, everything. everything that has made me so homesick during the last 8 years.

so i want to start a project. it starts today and ends on the 10 th of august, two days after my 40 th birthday and i need all the help i can get so bear with me, write to me, tell me about your experiences, about your fears, about your braveness. i need to know.

i`ll write about my experiences with battling claustrophobia, about my successes and my failures and about the things that help me.

my first assignements today were to write this post and to make lemon curd. yes, lemon curd.

i have always loved it and my grannie used to make it and i wanted to make some in honour of her. so i did. i read this post and then i made lemon curd and then i looked at all the yellow, shiny loveliness and wrote this post.

i am scared and humbled and have no idea what awaits me, but i want to try.

please be my companions on this road to something better.

my scars are my body

2010-01-31T14:08:00.004+01:00

i´ve been thinking about the theme BODY all month, finding it increasingly more difficult to write about it as the weeks went by.

the last few years i felt that my body let me down.

i was sick all the time, had three operations and countless infections and the pain at times was unbearable.

my body was in a state of war,my scars the proof for all the battles won ( and lost ).

i don´t trust it anymore. i don`t feel it anymore, it doesn`t belong to me anymore.

it belongs to the pain, the scars, the hopelessness, the fear,the anger.

it does not belong to me.

these are the things one cannot write.

these are the things one cannot think or say out loud.

please donate for haiti

2010-01-18T19:33:00.002+01:00

helen from tartelette makes a very good suggestion on her website that i would like to follow and encourage.

please donate something to doctors without borders.

no matter how little you can afford to give it will mean a lot to those who get help.

thank you.

happy new year

2010-01-02T18:52:00.002+01:00

happy new year to all of you!

may it be a great and healthy one.

started the year with a snow walk yesterday, which was lovely.

blog challenge:resolution you wish you'd stuck with

2009-12-31T12:40:00.002+01:00

more like resolutions.

it`s just that i love lists, i really do.

and resolutions are especially wonderful to write down.

they smell of hope and adventures and great things to come.

it´s just so easy to put them down on paper, but then....

sometimes though i think it`s the thought that counts:

the fact that you still dream of things, still hope for things.

because i truly believe that even if a lot of these things don`t work out, other things will.

i may not learn to play the guitar in 2010, but maybe i`ll write a song.

i may not write as much as i intended to, but i will write as much as i can.

i may not become a dancer anymore, but that won`t stop me from dancing.

so the resolutions are

write more. write mails, letters, postcards, text messages , poems, stories, a book.

whatever works.

laugh more

start a gratitude journal ( thanks so much for the idea, leya. and congratulations! )

don`t be scared of pierre hermé`s recipes :) he`s just a human being ( i think:) )

try and be as fearless as you were when you were a child.

love more, hate less

be a good mum, a good partner, a good daughter and a good friend.

it`s not that hard.

*******************

dear gwen,

thank you so much for starting this challenge.

it`s been thought-provoking and- as it`s supposed to be- challenging.

even though i didn`t have a straight answer to quite a few of the prompts, i really enjoyed taking part. i wish you a great start in 2010 and am looking forward to hearing more from you.

best,

anja

AND TO ALL YOU OUT THERE: I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT NEW YEAR! I WISH YOU GOOD HEALTH AND LOVE AND GOOD SURPRISES!

blog challenge belated mash-up:best belly laugh/ best ad

2009-12-31T12:32:00.002+01:00

now here are two very difficult things:

best belly laugh: as you all know by now, 2009 wasn`t a very funny year for me. there were lots and lots of tears, lots of despair. but i still had lots of belly laughs with the people i love and it is simply impossible to chose one. like the physiotherapist in hospital said: " laughter is a great way to train your muscles. ". i must think of that more often :)

************

best ad: now this one is totally impossible. i didn`t notice any ad, because i hardly watch television and wasn`t at the cinema this year very often. but the great thing about the blog challenge is that you can read and read and read for hours what other people have done, seen and found this year. so that`s what i did, i browsed the best ads and saw a lot of ads i had never heard of and had never seen. it`s like a studium generale, this challenge, one can learn such a lot and connect to people in the course of it, that`s just great.

blog challenge/ stationery

2009-12-28T16:41:00.002+01:00

i really like this lovely,little doodle notes from artsyville, so i ordered them this year and they look just as nice as on the photo. would love these as bigger notecards as well, aimee ( hint, hint:))

blog challenge/ social web moment

2009-12-27T17:17:00.002+01:00

every communication via the web is a special social web moment for me. getting a friendly comment on my blog, commenting on other people`s blogs, getting nice snail mail notes from someone you`ve only gotten to know on the internet. all this is great because it makes something that is per se cold and virtual into something friendly and heartwarming and human. i really like that.

blog challenge/ best aha moment

2009-12-26T17:48:00.007+01:00

my two aha moments this year were very profane yet they made me so happy. they were baking moments. as hilda from saffron and blueberry put it so wonderfully : " yeast and i are not friends ". well, we still aren`t, but we`re closer than a few weeks ago. i love baking,but i was almost scared of yeast and now i`ve tried fresh yeast and am maybe converted:) the second aha moment was managing the dough for eclairs and profiteroles, which we learnt during the patisserie course.

it was great when the eclairs puffed up and looked almost like in the baking book in front of me.

a very simple thing,but a great one, as it showed ( and still shows) me that even though there are quite a few things i cannot do at the moment, there are still a lot of things i can do:

i can still laugh and write and read and dance a little- and bake.

( third aha moment after reading so many blogs during the past two weeks connected to the blog challenge: i am not alone. it is indeed not embarassing at all to love GLEE at my age :), quite a few people do. which makes it even better, somehow...)

blog challenge/Gift. What's a gift you gave yourself this year that has kept on giving?

2009-12-25T18:15:00.003+01:00

i gave myself space to breathe. i allowed myself to be sick and to get well again, step by step.

i gave myself hope.

but all the above things i could only give to myself because others were generous and loving enough to allow me.

my family, my parents, my partner, my lovely son, they were and are the greatest gifts i could imagine. not just this year,but especially this year.

( and the best materialistic gift was definitely my long-awaited, long saved-for red car:)) )

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2009-12-25T18:12:00.002+01:00

merry christmas to all of you! hope you have a great time!

blog challenge/ best learning experience

2009-12-24T21:44:00.003+01:00

No, the human heart
Is unknowable.
But in my birthplace
The flowers still smell
As always.

Tsurayuki

.....

my father sent me this yesterday and it means so much to me,coming from him.

i had a lot to learn this year ( see previous posts ), but a few things stuck:

i am a lot stronger than i thought.

one can find consolation in so many things you wouldn`t believe it.

laughter really is the best medicine.

it never hurts to believe in yourself.

blog challenge/ best web tool

2009-12-23T22:05:00.003+01:00

will have to pass on that one, i`m afraid.just can`t think of any web tool that was important to me this year, in fact i have never even given the word web tool much thought. obviously i`m hopeless in that area:)) so no web tools for me, but i´ll be checking up on all the other participants- who knows what i might learn?

blog challenge/ best startup

2009-12-22T22:04:00.003+01:00

like emma from pleasure notes, i have thought about this for a while, but still don`t have an answer. a friend of mine is starting her own business soon, so let`s just say that i hope and wish for her that her startup is the one for 2010.

blog challenge belated: best project

2009-12-22T19:21:00.002+01:00

the best project this year is definitely the ongoing one, that is, this challenge.

it`s made me look at this year from different angles, getting to value things more in retrospective.

it`s also shown me that it is not as hard as i always thought to just go ahead and do it.

so at the moment i`m trying to work out what my new projects could be after this ends.

am sure i will find something...

blog challenge belated: best person: "my" male nurse

2009-12-22T19:10:00.004+01:00

i met lovely people this year. people who made me laugh, who were kind to me when i didn`t expect it at all, who sent little presents and encouraging words. great people.

but if i have to single out someone, it would have to be ralf-dieter.

ralf-dieter is a male nurse on the orthopedic ward where i stayed before and after my operation.

he`s a big, comforting, bear-like man who gave me the best present one can have after an operation: a shower. he sensed that i was having a really bad day after a really bad night and he just took my bed,shoved it down the hall, told his colleagues that he`d be away for a while and whirled me into the bathroom. until then it was my firm belief, that the most romantic thing i had ever seen was robert redford washing meryl streep`s hair in OUT OF AFRICA. i assure you now, it is not. the most romantic, heartbreaking, gutwrenching thing for me this year was having this total stranger scoop me up and wash my stitched-together body and my hair with some crappy shampoo that someone had left there and that smelled of coconut. it was cleansing and healing in every sense of the word and that`s why i owe him and he`s my unsung hero of 2009.

blog challenge belated: best article

2009-12-22T19:04:00.002+01:00

i cannot say that i have a best article of 2009. what i do have is a great magazine called OHRENKUSS. it`s a magazine written entirely by people who have down syndrome, with great photos and really good texts, that vary from one- liners to longer articles.

it`s a real treat and it always makes me so happy to read it. so if you understand any german, go and give it a try- it`s totally worth it.

blog challenge mash up:word or phrase/shop/car ride

2009-12-20T19:32:00.004+01:00

word of the year: LEARNING

learning about cheese, about love, about pain,about life, about people,about eclairs, about friendship,about birds, about films. one.step.at.a.time. always.

.......

shop: do not really have any mad money, but i did spend a lot of money at amazon. i ordered books and puzzles and dvds and even madeleines baking forms there this year. i ordered alost all my presents there as i`m not able to go shopping as usual. but i do believe it was all well spent ( or at least that`s what i`m trying to tell myself:)) )

.......

car ride: not any good car rides for me this year,i`m afraid. too much pain involved. but wait, even though there was a lot of pain involved, the car ride back from the hospital in october must have been the best one, because at last i was on my way HOME.

blog challenge/best tea

2009-12-20T19:27:00.005+01:00

the best tea this year for me is called BLAUE STUNDE. ( blue hour) . it`s a calming,soothing tea with lavender and sage and all kinds of lovely herbs- and boy, did i need calming and soothing this year, especially after september. it`s from a herb place in hamburg that i found on the internet, their other teas are great as well.

blog challenge/ best packaging

2009-12-19T17:37:00.002+01:00

this one definitely came from aimee. i had ordered some things and they arrived alongside with all kinds of goodies she had packed, too. addressed with lovely, colourful and artistic writing, it warmed my heart before i had even opened it and read the very sweet note inside.

blog challenge/rush of the year

2009-12-19T17:35:00.003+01:00

the first time i walked again after the operation.

blog challenge/best change made to the place you live

2009-12-19T17:30:00.003+01:00

we finally got rid of the couch. the black,scruffy,worn out couch,loaded with not-so-good memories of not-so-good times. it`s gone ( well, it`s in the cellar anyway:), so that`s a first step)and at it`s place is a lovely and comfy day bed which allows me to be in the middle of it all rather than lying around in a bedroom almost all day. the inspiration board is near, my books and films are near,when i look out of the windows i can see the snowy balcony and the birds happily chopping up sunflower seeds. my son can sit on the rocking chair next to me and read or he can snuggle up to me when he feels like it. so much better than before.

new food

2009-12-14T20:11:00.003+01:00

found my new food today.

cinnamon swirl bread, recipe and loads more inspiration can found with this lovely lady

the best place

2009-12-14T20:07:00.003+01:00

under this sky, with the two men i love, the small one and the tall one.

album of the year, that is,songs of the year

2009-12-14T20:03:00.003+01:00

i don`t have an album of the year, i have songs.

songs that have accompanied me this year, made me laugh and cry and dance.

here`s a selection:

jackson browne: bird of st.marks

ben folds, late

david gray: fugitive

am i wrong, love spit love

moment of peace 2009

2009-12-14T19:59:00.003+01:00

the moment i saw my son again after the operation.

blog find of the year

2009-12-14T19:56:00.002+01:00

i found lots and lots of interesting and inspiring blogs in 2009.

but the one that gets me the most is habit.

the photos,the one-liners, the poetry of it all.

best workshop or conference

2009-12-14T19:50:00.003+01:00

the only workshop i went to in 2009 was also the best one because it meant so much to me.

it was the first BIG thing i did after the back surgery and i was so proud to go through with it.

it was a workshop in French Patisserie and i just loved the atmosphere, the smells and the inspiration. and i loved being there with my best friend.

best night out 2009

2009-12-14T19:45:00.002+01:00

as unbelieveable as it may sound i didn`t have any night out in 2009. there are many reasons for this, most of them have to do with my health and the pain.

but i don`t really mind about nights out, because i had lovely nights in.

nights with my son and my boyfriend, nights with my parents, watching old movies.

and then the days: giggly breakfasts with my son. afternoons walking with my lovely man.

visits from people,visits i hadn`t expected and that made me oh so happy.

blog challenge/book/film of the year

2009-12-13T14:30:00.002+01:00

i did not read many books this year, which is unusual for me. due to this year`s circumstances though, i.e. lots of pain i could not muster much concentration for reading anything other than magazines. so the books i read were light reading and very lovely at that.

the first one that comes to mind is annie hawes ripe for the picking, a lovely and hilarious tale about her life in liguria.

then i loved, and i mean LOVED bake by rachel allen, which is indeed a cooking/baking book full with recipes that remind me of what my scottish grannie and my mom used to bake for me when i was little and could not yet bake myself:)

and then there`s the film that i started this year with and that touched me profoundly ( and yes i recommended it to almost everyone): reign over me with adam sandler.

when the film starts you can already guess it`s quality and tenderness by the opening scene with the great graham nash song simple man. and it just gets better.

blog challenge/challenge

2009-12-12T20:26:00.006+01:00

i had major back surgery this year, only a few months after having another adhesion surgery.

this was my biggest challenge 2009. to live with my pirate scars and what they stand for, to learn everything new, to be incredibly patient whilst wanting to sing the lemonheads line " patience is like bread i say/ i ran out of that yesterday" over and over again. learning to accept help from unexpected people and places. learning to live with the disappointment of losing so-called friends over being sick for so long and then still being able to trust new people,make new friends.learning how to walk, to sleep on my wounded back, to get dressed, to drive a car again, to pick up things with my fancy new gadget. learning how to feel whole again in spite of the feeling of being ripped apart in every sense of the word.

blog challenge/ best restaurant moment

2009-12-12T19:51:00.003+01:00

celebrating my birthday with my best friend ruth and the lovely tartelettes:)

albrechts patisserie in berlin.

blog challenge/ best trip in 2009

2009-12-12T19:35:00.003+01:00

our trip to the allgäu ( bavaria). to realize after years at the seaside, i am still a mountain girl at heart.

easy

2009-12-11T18:12:00.003+01:00

sometimes happiness is very easy.

watching them play for hours and afterwards feeding them with pasta and hanging their soaked trousers up to dry. easy.

monday love

2009-12-07T16:58:00.002+01:00

please visit habit this month. all the artists that have participated throughout this year have come together for december. it`s beautiful and touching and definitely worth a look.

a long december

2009-12-05T19:40:00.004+01:00

and it`s december- how on earth did this year pass so quickly? i feel like i want to make the most of this month and i want to make the most of what christmas should mean, alas, love and giving.i want to fill the air with the scent of clementines,,vanilla and cinnamon.

one of the blogs i follow that inspire me is cecilia`s blog, lovely colours and ideas.take a look!

thursday favourites: the cow lantern

2009-11-19T15:34:00.002+01:00

we had forgotten all about the cow lantern from taiwan- and there it was, just in time for st.martin`s day, the day where we all walk around with our children and their lanterns singing lantern songs here.

thursday favourites: today: artsyville

2009-11-12T14:10:00.004+01:00

hello thursday. i got my newest x-rays today and they look fine, so that`s a great relief.

my favourite today is aimee`s blog. i have been following it for a while and its lovely colours and quirky posts always make me smile. so here`s to aimee.

friday colours

2009-11-06T10:06:00.002+01:00

thursday favourites: today: the blue hour

2009-11-05T15:30:00.003+01:00

if you want to see lovely photos and get great tips for all kinds of things that make life worthwhile,go to brian`s page, you will not be disappointed.

flickr

2009-11-03T08:44:00.002+01:00

now that i`m at home so much,i like to try out the things i haven`t tried out yet, like flickr. please bear with me,as it will probably take a while to make the page presentable- i`d be glad if you stopped by!have a good week.

thursday favourites: today: habit and pumpkins

2009-10-29T19:13:00.001+01:00

this is my favourite photo of the week, found at habit, a great space i visit on a regular basis.

almost over

2009-10-25T18:51:00.003+01:00

the song for this week is " hate on me " by jill scott ( click title to see/ hear )

am so glad this week is almost over.

am also glad that the last two days lacked the aggressive atmosphere of the days before.

as aimee put it so well: " avoid toxic people. "

very true.

feelgood movie for sunday: kate & leopold :)

thursday favourites today: mr. j`s jelly fish

2009-10-22T16:24:00.012+02:00

my dear friend jörg (http://www.fockele.com) sent me this jellyfish. i love its colours, its seeming weightlessness, its elegance, the way it floats.
it`s calm and smooth and silky and vibrant while the weather outside is grey and depressing. now that i`m the scottish patient, i don`t do depressing anymore:)

the woman behind the wall

2009-10-20T18:57:00.003+02:00

while i was in hospital, there was a woman in the room next door.nobody would tell me what was the matter with her,but she seemed to be in pain almost all the time and the moaning and the screaming went on for hours until she begged for help. i have very rarely felt so utterly helpless. i wanted to go to her, to hold her hand and comfort her, to be there, to somehow ease her pain. but i couldn`t move properly,couldn`t walk without help, couldn`t sit. so all i could do was lie there and listen to her pain and when it got really bad i rang for the nurses who were then angry with me for some reason, because i asked them to help her.
this went on for one and a half weeks and i got used to it,which is terrible,but true. she was always there, behind the wall.
and then, one afternoon, she was gone. and it was quiet and i had longed for that quietness, for some peace,but now it seemed wrong. they told me she had been transferred to another ward and that she was okay, whatever that means in hospital vocabulary.
i never saw her face.

where the heart is

2009-10-20T00:17:00.002+02:00

home is where the heart is or so they say. it`s true though. after weeks in hospital,the first few days drowsy with all the pain killers and the fear, home felt so far away it seemed impossible ever to go back. now that i am back, i need to learn almost everything new.that is not always easy, but it is so worth it.
the titanscrews in my back are unfamiliar, i have to get used to them, used to walking straight without limping,used to relaxing my shoulders, used to having faith in my body. the doctor said " i`m not giving you a new back, i am repairing the one fate gave you " so easy, so hard.
at home, things are difficult. i need a lot of help,but every day brings new achievements. small steps, every day more steps.
the sun is shining for me and the colours of the leaves are beautiful.my son combing my hair is beautiful. the first shower after the hospital was beautiful, the warm water pouring down my skin, the steam, the smell of the lovely shower cream someone gave me. all new.

inauguration day

2009-01-20T20:56:00.002+01:00

" wenn man barack obama so sieht, dann möchte man gleich ein besserer mensch werden.", sagt mein vater vorhin,mit leichter ironie zwar,doch trotzdem...
im fernsehen weinen alle vor glück,das kind weint nicht,es freut sich über aretha franklin`s hut,über die überdimensionale graue schleife.
trotz verpassten törtchen bei albrechts heute,trotz kranker kinder und kopfschmerzen- ein grosser und schöner tag.

actually november

2008-04-18T10:10:00.002+02:00

draussen eigentlich november,nicht april. zu kalt und regen und wind und ungemütlichkeit. das kind liest kiloweise drachenbücher,ich sammle serieneindrücke,mache skriptnotizen: saving grace ist gut und damages und boston legal.schreiben. dialoge schreiben,uh,das ist schwer. warum sind die amerikanischen serien soviel besser als die deutschen serien? bessere schauspieler,bessere drehbücher,mehr witz,mehr tiefgang- und das aus dem land der oberflächlichkeiten,so wahr kann das nicht sein.
lese im novemberlicht,spargelrezepte,um den frühling herbeizuhexen,eiskreationen,sommer-und balkonfotos. telefonate mit den anderen freundinnen,alle krank gerade,alles erschöpft.wir brauchen kuren,massagen,jemanden,der sich um uns kümmert,um die bedürftigen mamas:-)das i-book wird altersschwach,immer langsamer. jetzt novemberkakao und stille.

rainy sunday

2008-01-27T19:00:00.000+01:00

gestern ein furchteinflössender sturm,bei dem man dachte,die fenster zerbersten,heute regen regen regen. also ein tag zuhause mit dem kind,pfannkuchen backen,lesen,schreiben,zettel ordnen. sonntagsfrieden. lange nicht geschrieben,weil das kranksein sich so schwer schreiben und beschreiben lässt,ebenso der schmerz. am mittwoch wird also ein schlauch in meinen hals geschoben, daran eine kleine kameras,die fotos von meinem magen macht.fahndungsfotos aus der schmerzzone.
ansonsten arbeiten,nachdenken,oft traurig sein,dann wieder froh über jeden guten tag,jeden entspannten tag, über die schönen bilder,die das kind für mich malt und über eine warme hand in meinem haar.

ein brad im kornfeld

2007-11-05T19:39:00.000+01:00

ja ja ja, okay. gestohlen. der wunderbare titel diese blogs ist gestohlen. vom tagesspiegel. aber wunderbar ist er trotzdem. oder?erst einen monat lang nicht schreiben und dann stehlen. tsk tsk... funkstille und so lang,warum? krank gewesen, tatsächlich noch kränker als sonst,grippekrank und dann direkt im anschluss das grosse bluten, igitt und anstrengend. einen neuen job angefangen,permanent ein schlechtes gewissen seitdem, dem kind gegenüber, dem mann gegenüber,mir gegenüber. kostbare zeit. drei seasons von the closer gesehen während der lazarettzeit, eine season GA, eine season dr.house. auch das ein zeitvertreib. notizen gemacht, gedacht,gedacht, wenig geschrieben. gelesen. kuchen gebacken, telefoniert. titel vom tagesspiegel gestohlen.

vanilla

2007-09-30T12:38:00.000+02:00

gestern bei der glitzernden fotofrau,um 5 jahre galerie zu feiern,check up on www.dietlb.de.
im strömenden regen sah der prenzlauer berg sehr viel weniger verlockender aus als früher, aber dann ein besuch im café berger in der senefelder strasse,schöne lampen anschauen und eine wunderbare himbeertarte essen, das war ein guter trost. der markt hingegen nur stress,zuviele menschen, zuviel regen, zuviel alles und alles zu schick. bis vor kurzem dachte ich ,ich sei traurig, dort nicht mehr zu leben. unerwartet also, gestern festzustellen, dass sich die prioritäten verschoben haben, dass ich da bin, wo ich sein will, mit heidekraut und kleinen tomaten auf dem balkon,mit licht und luft und bauernhöfen in reichweite. das landmädchen.

windfalls

2007-09-20T17:03:00.000+02:00

" we were gathering windfalls",schreibt meine mutter und ich nehme das erste mal bewusst das wort für fallobst wahr.nur dass windfalls schöner klingt und mehr nach herbst. heute also inspiriert von meiner mutter und der weichen herbstsonne,nach der schule mit dem kind auf den rieselfeldern,die kälte des morgens ist lang vergessen,überall wachsen beeren in verschiedenen rottönen,hagebutten,schlehen. dazu schneewittchenrote,kleine äpfel, die in regelmässigen abständen von schönen,krummen,alten bäumen fallen,ein von sonne beschienenes stillleben auf hellbraunem ackerland.
den apfelweg hin,sagt das kind und den birkenweg zurück. es duftet schon nach most,es ist warm und es weht ein leichter,freundlicher wind. morgen wird in der schule apfelmus gekocht,ein erntedankessen,eine herbstgabe. ein apfel,eine schüssel,ein löffel für die 25 zwerge.

das gedächtnis des schmerzes

2007-09-18T17:50:00.001+02:00

ein tränentag heute,ein wind-und regentag,zuwenig blau am himmel,zuwenig sonne.dafür zuviel kummer,zuviel schmerz,das kind schon wieder erkältet. der arzt sagt,im notfall ( wann wäre das?) müssen spritzen in den rücken,viele spritzen,um das schmerzgedächtnis zu löschen, das der körper aufbaut,wenn er lange schmerzen hat und hatte. mein körper erinnert sich an alles,the good and the bad,das kümmern und das quälen. erwachsenwerden,wenn auch vielleicht nicht viel anderes,bedeutet, dass ich inzwischen weiss um das gedächtnis meines körpers- und doch wünsche ich mir unmögliches: eine umprogrammierung,ein umlenken der synapsen auf andere erinnerungen,auf schottischen wind um die ohren,auf südfranzösische sonne auf der haut,auf dänische luft in den lungen. dann wäre alles gut,wäre dann alles gut?das schreiben um den schmerz herum, um das gedächtnis,schönschreiben,schlechtschreiben,schlimmerschreiben,besserschreiben.
mein hafen ein bett mit kirschkernkissen,zinnkrauttee und frischem apple pie,kerzen und träumen von ziegenhöfen,baumhäusern und büchern.

alltag,alle tage

2007-09-17T17:12:00.000+02:00

mit dem kind beim zahnarzt,grausam,grausam,bohren und laserpiepsen und heilige schwüre,immer noch mehr zu putzen. ( und ich dachte, ich sei schon streng)der zahnarzt verdeckt mit seinem großen arm den kopf des kindes, ich sehe nur den bauch,der sich hebt und senkt, das angestrengte atmen, den schmerz. wie ist er nur so schnell so groß geworden?wir kleben frösche und herzen in kalender und versuchen,es gut zu machen. der kv schreibt dumme mails,die nur er lustig findet,nichts ändert sich. ich will nichts bereuen und bereue es doch, dieses eine mal etwas unterschrieben zu haben, den zettel, der alles gemeinsam gemacht hat,von dem klar war, dass es nicht für immer gemeinsam sein würde. das kind gemeinsam,ja, aber nicht die sorgen, die entscheidungen, das kümmern.wo ist der unterschied zwischen dem lieben? will nicht das altruistische mutterbild füttern,aber die opfer bringen die mütter,alle, die ich kenne, die mütter wachen über den schlaf und trösten,die mütter sind präsent. warum ist das immer noch so, egal ob getrennt oder zusammen?jetzt liest das kind,erholt sich vom zahnarzt und von seiner mutter,die ihn bei den mathehausaufgaben vollkommen durcheinander gebracht hat,weil sie`s selbst nicht sehr gut kann.heute elternabend und noch mehr sorgen und fragen und dann nach hause kommen und das kind schläft und atmet und hat keine angst,weil es zu hause und in seinem hafen ist. das zählt.

leben heisst schweben

2007-09-04T18:10:00.000+02:00

vor dem fenster april im september,donner,hagel,wind,sonne,wolken. ein schmerztag heute,die beine rollstuhlbeine,wolldeckenkalt.kämpfe an allen fronten,berge von papier auf dem schreibtisch,das schreiben weit entfernt.
träume kitschige träume von blumenwiesen,welpen und holzhäusern,das kind und der mann träumen ein bisschen mit. der kv kämpft auch,einen hausgemachten,sinnlosen kampf,er stellt forderungen,alles nehmen,nichts geben.ich bin nicht mehr dazu bereit,alles zu geben und nichts zu nehmen. ich will weihnachten,frieden und hühnerkeulen in cidre,leuchtende kinderaugen,schnee. ich will das alles. ich will nicht nur zahnarztbesuche,brotboxen,fieberzäpfchen. das kind gehört sich selbst und ist doch zu klein, um dieses selbstgehören zu leben. ich bin da, sage ich nachts,höre dem schnupfenschnorcheln zu,trockne tränen und koche hustentee. ich bin da,sage ich. und es ist wahr.

peculiar titles:-)

2007-08-28T10:28:00.000+02:00

now,at last, i have my own peculiar title:

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Venerable Lady Anja the Brobdingnagian of Mellow under Trollness
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

what`s yours?

ein geburtstagsbild von magda

2007-08-23T16:23:00.000+02:00

die maus

2007-08-22T17:20:00.000+02:00

das kind und ich haben heute an die maus geschrieben: wir wollen wissen, wie die zettel in die glückskekse kommen und konnten es nicht rausfinden,also warten wir jetzt darauf, was die maus dazu sagt.
ich will auch sachen fragen,aber ich glaube, die maus kennt die antworten darauf vielleicht nicht:
wie kann es sein, dass menschen in menschen wachsen? wer hat sich das ausgedacht?
wieso gibt es soviel gemeines und scheussliches auf der welt und gleichzeitig soviel schönes?
warum weint man auch vor glück?
bin offen für anregungen,antworten,vorschläge.

polen 2

2007-08-20T18:46:00.000+02:00

das kind hat in sein kleines buch geschrieben: " ich finde, dass polen schön ist". der mann und ich fanden polen nicht so schön. polen war vor allem eines: LAUT. dafür, dass wir ruhige ferien wollten,nicht so lustig. bis nachts um vier wegen ballermannmoderntalkingcoverversionen in ohrenbetäubender lautstärke nicht schlafen können, auch nicht lustig. auf dem weg nach kolberg an einer mauer: READY TO FUCK GERMANY PEOPLE. willkommen ist was anderes. für das kind war polen das meer, entzückend gedrehte eiscreme, die wie softeis aussah, aber keines war, waffeln und eine sprache, die es nicht verstand. für uns war polen lärm und fleisch und wurst,als vegetarierin hätte ich mich eine woche lang nur von kuchen mit zuckerguss und von matschigem salat ernähren müssen.es gibt urlaube, da denkt man danach: da will ich nie mehr hin. portugal war so und malta.und polen.nicht so waren kreta,new york,amsterdam,südfrankreich. alles subjektiv.andere sagen:kolberg ist ja so eine schöne stadt! ich sehe ein stadt mit einem dom, einem alten rathaus, einem amphitheater,einem pulverturm,zweifellos beeindruckend. vor allem ist es die stadt, in der es in dem ehemaligen henkershaus,das jetzt ein restaurant ist, die beste heisse schokolade gibt,die ich je getrunken habe. trinkschokolade,geschmolzen, etwas bitter,samtig.VELVETY ( gibt`s das wort?). aber schön? subjektiv.der mann muss sich jetzt von polen erholen und ist auf dem weg nach dänemark. das mittlerweile fiebernde kind und ich halten stellung in berlin, nicht unbedingt leiser hier,aber vertrauter.auf dem balkon die freundinnensonnenblume,im zimmer ein herzenszettel,auf dem bett die eigenen kissen.heimat.

polen

2007-08-10T18:04:00.000+02:00

morgen fahren wir nach polen. ich war bisher erst einmal in polen und das war nicht wunderbar,aber doch unvergesslich, weil mein damaliger freund mich auf irgendeinen suspekten weg gelotst hat,der letztendlich an einer kleinen holzbrücke endete,bei der ich erst während des überquerens merkte,wie marode sie war. ich erinnere mich noch an das quietschen und an meine überlegungen,ob ich es wohl noch aus dem auto schaffen würde,sollte die brücke nachgeben. polen also diesmal anders,mit sand und meer und hotel und mann und kind.bin ausnehmend gespannt. meine erste wirklich amtshandlung mit 37 ist also ein urlaub in polen. danach kommt die reha-woche,heisst viel sport für lahme und lahmgeschlagene und akupunktur und so weiter und so weiter.jetzt geht es an die packlisten, die ich fürchterlich gerne schreibe ,solange ich dann nicht wirklich packen muss.habe immerhin das wirklich wichtige getan und habe meine beine epiliert ( und ja, das tut weh:o) )

das wort zum samstag

2007-07-28T17:11:00.000+02:00

jedn tag lese ich blogs,überall sind kommentare.manche nicht sehr nett,zugegebenermassen, aber immerhin, kommentare. ich schreibe in einen luftleeren raum hinein, ich weiß nicht, wer die einträge liest,ich sehne mich geradezu nach kommentaren!hier also die aufforderung: wer liest,möge auch ab und an etwas kurzes schreiben, darüber würde ich mich sehr freuen.ansonsten wünscht miss yerem a nice weekend und isst jetzt ca. ein dutzend ihrer doch sehr verunglückten windbeutel.