Dec 21, 2010

#reverb10

December 21 – Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?) (Author: Jenny Blake)

Let Robert Creeley say this for me, he does it so much better:

I vow to my life to respect it.

I will not wreck it.

I vow to yours to be enough, enough, enough

List it Tuesday & #reverb10 mash- up

5 Minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. (Author: Patti Digh)

my son combing my hair when i wasn`t feeling well. my boyfriend giggling with me about silly things. my friends. my 40 th birthday. my first flight after 11 years. my struggles and what became of them. the smell of snow. baking. reading great books. small steps and big steps. my son becoming even more who he is, a wonderful person. my son learning and reading and learning again. not too much hospital this year, which is great. love. the smell of cookies and cake in my kitchen- home. my partner and everything we did together this year. my start at the university. meeting new people, opening up my mind to new things. the sky and its colours. wonderful music. dancing in my living room when my leg hurt. great films that made me laugh and cry. my life.

Dec 16, 2010

#reverb 10 belated/action and more


December 13 – Action When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step? (Author: Scott Belsky)

my next step is out the door and into the kitchen to make dinner for my son who has been sick almost all week.
my next step is to grab a book and read, then watch the news, then sleep.
my next step tomorrow is my appointment at the pain clinic, the one i have waited for so long.
my next step is to pick up my son from school tomorrow and to make plans for the holidays with him.
and while i do this, i will be thinking about where i am going and how far i have come this year-

i am the queen of small steps. but the next one is always the biggest.

December 14 – Appreciate What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it? (Author: Victoria Klein)

I can`t possibly reduce it to one thing, although i`m probably ruining the exercise right now:))

I am grateful for my son, for him being in my life, sharing jokes and tears with me and being the wonderful kid he is.
I am grateful for my partner, who is lovely and gorgeous and brave and funny and wise and who is there for me when i need him and here to share our life together.
I am grateful for my parents who support my decision to go back to university with such verve and understanding and who have helped me become who i am.
I am grateful for my friends whom i love dearly and who love me back in a way that touches my very soul.
I am grateful for being alive, for being able to smell cookies and snow and for being able to watch the sky as it changes.

I try to express this gratitude by loving back and giving back and by being there if somebody needs me. ( and by baking:)) )

Dec 15, 2010

#reverb 10 belated/wisest decision and more and more:)

Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how dit it play out?

This one, thankfully, is easy. The wisest decision i made this year was not to give up on myself and my future and to go back to university. This decision took a lot of fighting ( mainly for money) and a lot stamina and i`m just really glad i made it. How did it play out? I don`t really know that yet, but so far the output is great: i have met lovely, new people, I get out and think other thoughts, i activate my brain instead of drowning it in crap ( tv mainly) and i`m altogether more hopeful. and my son is proud of me which makes me proud of myself. that in itself is already worth it.

Body Integration & Party

These two i simply cannot answer. As awful as this may sound to you: no party for me in 2010 ( would already be thankful for a night out which doesn`t involve a parents`meeting:) ), because most of the time i just wasn`t physically up for it. And no body integration for me, as achieveable as that may be. These last few years I have often felt that my body has turned against me. It is not my temple, it is a war zone and the war is one i didn`t ask to join. I very rarely feel comfortable, I cannot remember what it is like to live without pain. I would very much like to learn how to handle this and am open to any suggestion- who knows what will happen...

Dec 14, 2010

List it Tuesday & #reverb10 mash- up:)

prompt: what are 11 things your life doesn`t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

1) sickness ( do as much as i possibly can to sustain my body)
2) stress (do as much as i possibly can to sustain my mind)
3) fear ( do as much as i possibly can to fight it)
4) claustrophobia ( see above)
5) self- loathing (get up every morning and say to my face in the mirror: you are indeed a goddess, the most witty and beautiful in the whole world. this should make me laugh, so it`ll work)
6) cold feet ( wear warm socks& shoes)
7) fat ( eat less and more slowly)
8) stupidity ( read more, don`t watch so much tv)
9) hatred (hate less, love more)
10)artichokes (:-) )
11)clutter ( organize myself)

my life shall improve dramatically if i get rid of all these things- especially the cold feet and the artichokes. looking forward to it...

Dec 12, 2010

#reverb10/ beautifully different

Prompt: Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.

I´m 40 years old.
I have a grim sense of humour, which i have needed during the last years.
I have lots of scars inside and out.
I am chronically ill, but i refuse to give up on myself, or the world- or, as a matter of fact- fun.
I can handle pain quite well.
I´m a good friend, i´m loyal.
I´m a good mum (most of the time)
I take care of my friends, I make them laugh.
I write poetry that makes people cry.
One of my best friends calls me McWeepy, because i cry so easily:)
I love to cry over books and movies
I am sure that i`m secretely a mermaid ( or a kungfu-babe )
I never give up- something inside me always tells me to get up and fight.
I love to start conversations with total strangers.
I`m a good baker.

all this and more probably doesn`t make me different, but maybe, just maybe it makes me beautiful.

Dec 8, 2010

#reverb10 MAKE/ Community

Prompt: Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? ( Gretchen Rubin )


I made these. My partner gave me a voucher for a patisserie course and I made these.
One should know that I am not a very crafty person. I envy everyone who can draw, doodle or make other things, because i`m simply not very good at it, although i do love the idea.
But baking? Trying out new things, new methods? for these I/ we ( the course) used lots and lots of butter, pears, passion fruits, limes and lemons, flour, almond, eggs, food colouring, chocolate, gelatine, cream and quark and all sorts of lovely things. I want to make more things like these, to practice more.

December 7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)

I have discovered the University community where I study. And there I also found people that are part of a speaker community, they do readings of poetry and other things and I would love to get more involved in that.




Dec 7, 2010

List it Tuesday/ The tuesday before the grammar test/my thoughts

1) why on earth did i want to go back to university again? somehow i cannot seem to remember:)
2) i thought i`d never have to write a test again
3) i feel kinda sick
4) i can think of a million things to do instead of preparing for this test, i.e. write lists...
5) it would be great to be rich and to do all this as charity work
6) i feel stupid
7) my kid seems to be smarter than me ( but then they always are, right:) ? )
8) this would be a good time to get drunk, but then i don`t drink, so that`s that over and done with...
9)to watch " the closer " will probably not help me understand german grammar. or will it?
10) there are so many excuses, but something in me wants to pass this test, no matter how
11)will i ever be a good teacher?

Dec 6, 2010

#reverb10 Letting go

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

This is fairly difficult to write as I am still in the process of letting go.
I am part of a Patchwork family. There is my son, his dad, my partner. And then there`s her. She`s his new partner, has been for a few years now. She has two children, one girl from a previous relationship, one girl with my ex-partner. We´ve known each other for 6 years, i liked her instantly, we spent a vast amount of time together, not just with our children, we exchanged letters, phone calls, e-mails. and every two years she does something that really shocks me: she suddenly and to me for me no apparent reason decides that she`s better off without me, she cuts off any communication, she doesn`t answer my mails or writes excruciatingly detailed mails to me that all come down to " things i never told you ". And needless to say, these things are never pleasant, but nasty and unforgiving. She is the better mother, the better girlfriend, the better person. And every two years, she breaks my heart. A few months ago, it happened again. I wasn`t happy because she ambushed me in front of the children about a holiday her and the gang wanted to take. They had told me for months they didn`t have any money, he hadn`t paid full child support and now they were planning on flying somewhere for a week to chill out. I was tacken aback by this fact and told her I didn`t want to discuss it in front of the kids. She didn`t back off. Things got nasty. I cried. I cry easily, my friends call me McWeepy:) She knows this, but still didn`t back off. Things got even more nasty. When she left, I felt utterly devastated and shocked. I couldn`t believe it had happened again. All this after a summer together with the kids, swimming and baking and laughing. Once again, all gone. My partner said he was fed up and couldn`t understand why I put up with her. My friends called her Mcbitchy and said that she didn`t deserve me. I wasn´t so sure. She wrote nasty mails, I wrote back, pleading, asking what had gone wrong. No real answer. So in the end, I wrote a long mail telling her that I didn`t want this kind of pseudo- friendship anymore. I told her I missed her but that I wasn´t willing to put up with her treating me like this anytime she felt like it. The thought of letting my child go there every second weekend and her playing supermom, bribing him with all sorts of things including a rabbit, makes me sick to my stomach and makes the situation so much worse. Things were much easier when we got along. What now? I know I have to let go, because this construction is toxic. But I find it very, very difficult and I just want to understand why this happened. It`s not easy to let go of something you do not understand.

#reverb10 WONDER

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

I looked up and watched the sky, took photos of it, its changing colours.
Watched my son sleep, watched my son read.
Remembered last year and was thankful not to be in that place anymore, thankful for my legs moving.
Thought of Aimee Mann: " and you loved the world you lived in/ and it loved you back"

Dec 4, 2010

#reverb10

December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta)

I live, it`s as simple and as scary as that. I live and I take care of all the other things that have to be done: the reading for university, the shopping lists, the homework with my son, the thank-you-notes and the condolence letters are almost the only things i write these days. But I want this to change, I´m trying to come up with one smashing plan.....

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

There was a moment this week when I was utterly and totally exhausted and my son offered to brush my hair. He sat down on my bed with the brush in his hand and began to brush my hair, chatting to me about all kinds of things, school, friends, while he did it. there were candles on the windowsill and it was already dark outside and i think that was, if not THE, one of the moments I felt most alive this year.

Dec 3, 2010

#reverb10

December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

HOPEFUL. 2010 was and still is hopeful for me. In spite of everything that happend last year, in spite of all the obstacles this year, i went back to university to study again after 10 long years. It`s stressful and tiring, but I´m hopeful.
I would like my word for 2011 to be RELIEVED.