Dec 21, 2010
Dec 15, 2010
Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how dit it play out?
This one, thankfully, is easy. The wisest decision i made this year was not to give up on myself and my future and to go back to university. This decision took a lot of fighting ( mainly for money) and a lot stamina and i`m just really glad i made it. How did it play out? I don`t really know that yet, but so far the output is great: i have met lovely, new people, I get out and think other thoughts, i activate my brain instead of drowning it in crap ( tv mainly) and i`m altogether more hopeful. and my son is proud of me which makes me proud of myself. that in itself is already worth it.
Body Integration & Party
These two i simply cannot answer. As awful as this may sound to you: no party for me in 2010 ( would already be thankful for a night out which doesn`t involve a parents`meeting:) ), because most of the time i just wasn`t physically up for it. And no body integration for me, as achieveable as that may be. These last few years I have often felt that my body has turned against me. It is not my temple, it is a war zone and the war is one i didn`t ask to join. I very rarely feel comfortable, I cannot remember what it is like to live without pain. I would very much like to learn how to handle this and am open to any suggestion- who knows what will happen...
Dec 14, 2010
prompt: what are 11 things your life doesn`t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?
1) sickness ( do as much as i possibly can to sustain my body)
2) stress (do as much as i possibly can to sustain my mind)
3) fear ( do as much as i possibly can to fight it)
4) claustrophobia ( see above)
5) self- loathing (get up every morning and say to my face in the mirror: you are indeed a goddess, the most witty and beautiful in the whole world. this should make me laugh, so it`ll work)
6) cold feet ( wear warm socks& shoes)
7) fat ( eat less and more slowly)
8) stupidity ( read more, don`t watch so much tv)
9) hatred (hate less, love more)
10)artichokes (:-) )
11)clutter ( organize myself)
my life shall improve dramatically if i get rid of all these things- especially the cold feet and the artichokes. looking forward to it...
Dec 12, 2010
Prompt: Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.
I´m 40 years old.
I have a grim sense of humour, which i have needed during the last years.
I have lots of scars inside and out.
I am chronically ill, but i refuse to give up on myself, or the world- or, as a matter of fact- fun.
I can handle pain quite well.
I´m a good friend, i´m loyal.
I´m a good mum (most of the time)
I take care of my friends, I make them laugh.
I write poetry that makes people cry.
One of my best friends calls me McWeepy, because i cry so easily:)
I love to cry over books and movies
I am sure that i`m secretely a mermaid ( or a kungfu-babe )
I never give up- something inside me always tells me to get up and fight.
I love to start conversations with total strangers.
I`m a good baker.
all this and more probably doesn`t make me different, but maybe, just maybe it makes me beautiful.
Dec 8, 2010
Prompt: Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? ( Gretchen Rubin )
I made these. My partner gave me a voucher for a patisserie course and I made these.
One should know that I am not a very crafty person. I envy everyone who can draw, doodle or make other things, because i`m simply not very good at it, although i do love the idea.
But baking? Trying out new things, new methods? for these I/ we ( the course) used lots and lots of butter, pears, passion fruits, limes and lemons, flour, almond, eggs, food colouring, chocolate, gelatine, cream and quark and all sorts of lovely things. I want to make more things like these, to practice more.
Dec 7, 2010
1) why on earth did i want to go back to university again? somehow i cannot seem to remember:)
2) i thought i`d never have to write a test again
3) i feel kinda sick
4) i can think of a million things to do instead of preparing for this test, i.e. write lists...
5) it would be great to be rich and to do all this as charity work
6) i feel stupid
7) my kid seems to be smarter than me ( but then they always are, right:) ? )
8) this would be a good time to get drunk, but then i don`t drink, so that`s that over and done with...
9)to watch " the closer " will probably not help me understand german grammar. or will it?
10) there are so many excuses, but something in me wants to pass this test, no matter how
11)will i ever be a good teacher?
Dec 6, 2010
December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)
I looked up and watched the sky, took photos of it, its changing colours.
Watched my son sleep, watched my son read.
Remembered last year and was thankful not to be in that place anymore, thankful for my legs moving.
Thought of Aimee Mann: " and you loved the world you lived in/ and it loved you back"
Dec 4, 2010
December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta)
I live, it`s as simple and as scary as that. I live and I take care of all the other things that have to be done: the reading for university, the shopping lists, the homework with my son, the thank-you-notes and the condolence letters are almost the only things i write these days. But I want this to change, I´m trying to come up with one smashing plan.....
Dec 3, 2010
December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
HOPEFUL. 2010 was and still is hopeful for me. In spite of everything that happend last year, in spite of all the obstacles this year, i went back to university to study again after 10 long years. It`s stressful and tiring, but I´m hopeful.
I would like my word for 2011 to be RELIEVED.
Nov 30, 2010
1)have my peace and quiet:)
2)read a thriller
3) eat a chocolate cookie ( or 2 or 10....)
4)have warm feet
5)watch LIE TO ME
6)stop thinking about the grammar test next week
7)think furry, glittery and positive thoughts
8)be all zen- like and incredibly wise
9)bake the perfect tarte au citron
Nov 23, 2010
1) Feel sorry for myself:)
2) Drink lots of tea
3) huddle/ cuddle up in bed with warm cherry stone- pillows
4) read crappy magazines
5) watch stuff like Grey`s Anatomy to see people who are far worse off than I am:)
6) eat ice cream
7) eat soup
8) talk to friends on the phone
9) feel even more sorry for myself
Nov 16, 2010
Because of current events, i had to think a lot about this during the last few days and something that really cost me my sleep and my peace of mind. So my list today is something to help me vent- please bear with me.
1) I can never decide if I want to let my kid go every second weekend- I just have to
2) My son feels as if he has to choose, because his father has turned parenting into a competition. That`s not good.
3) I want the best of both worlds for my son, but very often this does simply not exist.
4) I have to put up with His needs, games and nastiness, just because he`s my son`s father.
5) I would just like to have a break from it all, but it never stops.
6) I have to get along with " the other woman ", no matter how she behaves, for my child`s sake.
Oct 19, 2010
Oct 9, 2010
after huge fights with the jobcenter, the social court, etc. for the money ( a problem that still isn`t solved) i have decided to risk it and to go back to school, that is, in my case, back to university.
i`m studying to become an english teacher and it`s all very exciting and lots of hard, but fulfilling work. am still, after almost 20 years, scared of the linguistics part, but am bracing myself and am very curious as to what awaits me in these coming autumn and winter months. my son is chuffed that i now have to do homework, too:) please wish me luck. i`ll certainly need it:))
eye-love of this week: http://blogdelanine.blogspot.com/
Aug 14, 2010
tomorrow my son is off with his dad for a weeks holiday before school starts again and i will once again pack my bags to go to the hospital on monday. i really hope i won`t have to stay all week and i hope that this will be my one and only stay in a hospital this year, am not very happy about this. i have so much to do, because- and this is the good news - i got accepted at the university to become an english teacher! just have to get the money organized ( and lots of paperwork ) , then i can/ could start in october, which would be so great, scary and inspiring:)
hope you all have a good week next week, i am sure going to try.
Aug 8, 2010
i am forty now.
i do not feel different.
i feel hopeful and tired and okay, but exhausted.
almost like every day.
who do i have to be?
who do i need to be?
who do i want to be?
anja. brave. happy. sad. melancholic, not depressed.
a poet, a baker, no candlestickmaker.
a good mum ( i hope ) a good friend, a good partner.
a puppy/ piglethugger, a west wing fan.
healthy and a little wise, calm and collected
disorganized and chaotic.
a reader and writer.
Aug 6, 2010
so much has happened here, i haven`t managed to post at all.
we have had to cancel our flight to glasgow as i was/ am sick and there is an incredible chaos here in berlin concerning easyjet ( and not just here as we gather from all the links friends sent us ).
so no scotland this year.
am sad , but hopeful that i will manage to get there soon after having taken the first hurdle.
my father had an operation yesterday, which went well, so i want to try and visit him as soon as possible.
first i have to go to the hospital myself next thursday, they can`t find antibiotics to treat the infection so i will have to stay in, hopefully not for long.
meanwhile: 39 for two more days, the big 40 is approaching:))
Jul 18, 2010
Jul 14, 2010
Jul 7, 2010
the summer holidays have started at last and we are all relieved and happy.
tomorrow it`s my sons birthday, my parents arrive today, so lots of cooking and cleaning and packing presents- am actually quite looking forward to it.
next week i have to get on a plane for the first time in 11 years. the thought is sickening, but i want to go through with it.
my son packed my mp3 player with music and good wishes ( i.e. him saying: have a good flight, anja:) ) so i am more or less prepared.
Jul 1, 2010
still working my way through piles of books with relaxation techniques. have also made a flight book, more about it tomorrow.
it`s very hot here now and now there are only a few more days to go until the summer holidays start.
cake yesterday: nectarine-rasperry cake
films yesterday and today: invictus and les petites couleurs
Jun 23, 2010
have obviously gone crazy. booked another flight, this time to stuttgart to see my parents.
have decided that i need a testflight, all on my own, before the flight to glasgow, so that`s what i am going to do. am going off to stuttgart mid-july, all alone so that all the crying, pulling of hair, hyperventilating, etc. will not be witnessed by my son.
have bought rescue drop gum, although i do not trust it to help me one bit.
but hey, i might just surprise myself. maybe i will feel safe and sound with lufthansa, maybe i will sing a little song while on board or write a poem or invent something awesome.
you never know...
book for today: " conquer your fear of flying in 30 minutes " ( yeah, i know, haha:) )
song for today: dream on ( the glee version )
film for today: the rebound
Jun 19, 2010
very cool and windy here since yesterday.
am utterly, totally exhausted.
have been carrying things back and forth from our flat to the interim flat, which is simply disgusting. can`t sleep properly and am absolutely fed up.
hope very much that next week will be better.
have a good weekend!
Jun 14, 2010
very early. very cold compared to last week.my son ist still sleeping, exhausted from watching last nights football game. three more weeks of school, then six weeks of summer holidays. we are all looking forward to it.
have apparently found new and exciting ways to sabotage myself: no booking of flights yesterday, instead frantic search for my son`s passport which has disappeared into thin air. will have to apply for new one today and do not know if it will be there in time. haha! unbelieveable, but true.
of course we will still have to book very, very, very soon. already having scary flight dreams, as usual.
this week i will not have much time on my hands to do anything remotely fascinating.
we have to move tomorrow, grab some of our stuff and go to an interim appartment, while they fix ours. hopefully two weeks tops, but still a hassle.
then bringing the car to its annual check, changing the tyres, preparing my son for his last maths exam this school year, etc, etc. nothing but pure delight ( apart from the maths thing, which is great because he loves it so much ).
and maybe, maybe, book a flight.
Jun 12, 2010
have been sick for weeks, months and years- or so it seems, at least.
but while i haven`t been posting, because i simply wasn`t up for it, i haven`t laid my plans to rest, not at all.
have been reading books about the fear of flying, have had long talks with friends and therapists who specialise on phobies and today i went to the airport with my partner to have my first look at what i have to expect this summer if we really, really book this flight.
my physical reaction caught me by surprise: the air in the main hall was simply awful, felt as if i couldn`t breathe properly before i even got near a plane.
then saw a plane that was being fuelled, the gangway being fastened to the plane.
all that jazz. my palms started to sweat, i felt as if i was going to faint, totally sick and dizzy.
but then i looked at the other people who were walking around. most of them looked quite relaxed and happy, some of them tired, but i spotted noone who looked even slightly as panicky as i felt. somehow that calmed me down. i took a good look at crews and pilots and everyone who was doing their job there and suddenly it all felt a little bit more normal.
have to decide this weekend whether to book the flight berlin-glasgow. two hours of my life. two short, long hours of my life. my son would love to go. can i do this for him, if not for me?
would you all be so kind as to tell me about your feelings concerning flying? about your experiences ( hopefully great ones:) )?
i would be really thankful.
Apr 18, 2010
so much has happened during the last few days. i find it quite strange that the moment i`m tackling this fear of flying subject, a volcano somewhere in iceland spews out so many ashes, that i couldn`t fly now even if i wanted to. hm hm.
as for the braveness diary:
on wednesday i dared to go to another orthopedist in the hope of at last finding someone who will accompany me on the "spine- journey" . no such luck, i`m afraid to report, so i found myself being utterly devastated after talking for about 10 minutes for yet another doctor who doesn`t listen and doesn`t care. am not giving up though.
thursday was a big day for cinnamon rolls and braveness: the father of one of the boys in my son`s class, came by to have a long chat with me about flying. he`s been a pilot for over 30 years now and he talked me through the whole flying procedure, from check-in to landing, answering my panicky questions and gracefully ignoring me getting paler and paler as the flight began:)) this was a great opportunity for me and i cannot thank him enough for providing me with all this first- hand information. here`s to you, günter!
friday and saturday i didn`t feel very brave at all and all my braveness consisted of was ignoring as much as possible the awful state my body was in and getting up to do anything at all.
today is a better day and i`m on my way to another week of my little project, modest as it may be. once the volcano ashes have settled, i am planning to go to the airport where one of my partners friends works, to visit him and have him show me around, to get a feel for the place after 11 years. i will continue the braveness diary and give myself ( and you:) ) another prompt tomorrow.
Apr 13, 2010
found this lovely and inspiring photo by lacy young via carmen torbus and instantly loved it.
this is exactly what i want to do: achieve a different way of looking at things and this stone and its message are so great and fun at that, too!
braveness diary today:
although i`m dreading another fruitless and frustrating talk with her, i wrote a letter to the headmistress of my son`s school, explaining why a lot of us parents are very unhappy with the class teacher.
i hate confrontations, even more so when i`m not feeling up for them, but i decided to be brave to try and make the situation better for my son and for the other kids in class.
Apr 12, 2010
going on with this project.
putting myself and my fears out there in virtual space for everyone to see. not easy.
tackling all the application forms today ( loads of paperwork ) to let other people define just how disabled my back and adhesions have made me. trying to not let these disabilities define me as a person.
watching a scary movie with mr. harrison ford :-)
The prompt for today is to start a braveness diary. For every day this week, starting today, you can write down what you did that day that you thought of as brave. It does not have to be something connected to your worst fears and nightmares, all the little things count. You can draw, you can take photos, you can doodle, you can write, just give yourself the feedback that you deserve.
As a giant cosmetic firm put it: " Because you`re worth it. " :))
Apr 11, 2010
claustrophobia is something that happens in your head and then slowly takes over your whole body. your hearts start racing, you start to hyperventilate, you feel as if you`re going to have a heart attack, suffocate and die on the spot.
as a friend of mine put it very bluntly a while ago when we were talking about planes: " the fear of flying is the fear of dying. " that made me so angry at the time even more so as i suddenly realised that he was right. as simple as it sounds, it is true.
"uh yeah ", you might say now, " this is ridiculous. almost everyone is scared of dying but not everyone has phobias." also true.
so where do i go from here? if i know, that my mind is playing tricks on me, that somehow my mind and my body have learnt to play tricks on me, how do i untrick myself, how do i "unlearn"?
one of the obstacles during the last few years in confronting my fears has been the condition my body was/ is in. i simply cannot and will not be able to force myself to do the whole confrontational therapy shennanigans again. so i have to find other ways, get creative, find new tricks.
every monday i will give myself a prompt and i`d be very happy if you like to join me.
i do not expect to be " healed " during these four months, but i am hoping for a different mindset, good influences and fun ideas.
if i can get on a plane this summer that of course would be the greatest challenge of all.
like i read yesterday " not without fear, but in spite of it. "
Apr 10, 2010
i have been massively claustrophobic for quite some time now. it started with planes, then the tube, elevators and so on and so on.
2004 i tried a confrontational therapy.it was no fun, that much i can tell you.
lots of crying and pulling of hair, lots of desperation, lots of hyperventilating locked in elevators for 30 minutes or so. i never made it back onto a plane though.
no flying for 11 years. i told myself it didn`t matter. i could take a boat, hell, i could swim, i could take a car. no problem. but a big part of my family lives in great britain and my grandparents lived in glasgow.
the last time i went there with my son was when he was two years old. we took the car from berlin to amsterdam and embarked on the journey to hell all the way to newcastle.
the cabin we had booked was underneath the machine room of the ferry, so it was impossible for me to stay there. combine acute seasickness with claustrophobia and you`ve got yourself a real party full of song and dance. i was sick for hours and went to " sleep" on deck on two plastic chairs that i had pushed together and shoved in a corner where i could hear people singing along to karaoke. my favourite was a duet of " up where we belong ", sung quite beautifully. after a while the storm got worse though and my sleeping bag was soaked, so i decided to give it a try inside. i opened the heavy outside door and at that very moment there was a huge gush of wind and the door slammed shut. my right hand was still caught in the door and i thought i would faint if i looked as i was almost sure that the fingers had been cut off. after what seemed like ages but couldn`t have been more than a few seconds, i pulled the door open with my left hand, didn`t look at it and just dragged myself inside, knocked on the door of the disco until someone came and took care of me. it was the ship doctor who was also the ship dj, who had also sung the lovely version of " up where we belong " that i had admired earlier, which pleased him very much. he took one look and said: " that`s what broken fingers look like." i had managed to break two of my fingers in that door.
why am i telling you this? because it was one of two claustrophobia lowpoints during the last few years.
the second one is even worse. for 8 years i haven`t seen my family in Scotland and Glasgow is now only a two hour- flight away from berlin. my grandmother died two weeks ago and i couldn`t say goodbye, couldn`t go to the funeral. i have missed golden weddings, big birthdays, a wedding and two funerals. i cannot forgive myself. lowpoint.
i want my son to grow up knowing and i mean, REALLY KNOWING that Scotland is a part of him. the language, the people that belong to him, the smells, the highland cattle, the scones, the sheep, everything. everything that has made me so homesick during the last 8 years.
so i want to start a project. it starts today and ends on the 10 th of august, two days after my 40 th birthday and i need all the help i can get so bear with me, write to me, tell me about your experiences, about your fears, about your braveness. i need to know.
i`ll write about my experiences with battling claustrophobia, about my successes and my failures and about the things that help me.
my first assignements today were to write this post and to make lemon curd. yes, lemon curd.
i have always loved it and my grannie used to make it and i wanted to make some in honour of her. so i did. i read this post and then i made lemon curd and then i looked at all the yellow, shiny loveliness and wrote this post.
i am scared and humbled and have no idea what awaits me, but i want to try.
please be my companions on this road to something better.
Jan 31, 2010
i´ve been thinking about the theme BODY all month, finding it increasingly more difficult to write about it as the weeks went by.
the last few years i felt that my body let me down.
i was sick all the time, had three operations and countless infections and the pain at times was unbearable.
my body was in a state of war,my scars the proof for all the battles won ( and lost ).
i don´t trust it anymore. i don`t feel it anymore, it doesn`t belong to me anymore.
it belongs to the pain, the scars, the hopelessness, the fear,the anger.
it does not belong to me.
these are the things one cannot write.
these are the things one cannot think or say out loud.
Jan 18, 2010
helen from tartelette makes a very good suggestion on her website that i would like to follow and encourage.
please donate something to doctors without borders.
no matter how little you can afford to give it will mean a lot to those who get help.